bedtime

I remember it was after an early morning of getting up to chase dolphins.

After napping, we decided to stroll along Alona beach and just chill.

then somehow, when we were holding hands, when we were just sitting on the beach, on our flip flops, I had this strong feeling that I just wanna spend all my life with this guy.

he spoils me in his very own way, and I love it.

2019

Guess I did a bit better in 2018. 7 posts compared to 6 posts in 2017. Haha

You know how people keep on sharing about writing the year wrongly, the transition from 2018 to 2019? It didn't happen to me this year. 2019 and all the responsibilities just barged rudely into my life.

It's the beginning of the year, technically the fifth day but I'm so full of negative vibes. I know it is damn unhealthy but I just can't help it. My body and I are already feeling the stress. I have been getting up wayyyy earlier than my alarm clock. How on earth did whoever in the senior management team decide that it's okay for a person to have 10 extra non-teaching job to handle, and all these carry weight, not just some position where you just need a name to fill in the space, and how about the work that will eventually pop out again during events? It looks like the school only has 20 teachers, with the amount of workload I get, we are effing overstaffed okay? So why are they doing this to me? As if I don't have to teach. Of course I tried talking to the boss, and his million dollar answer: I can't brain now, just telegram me your job list, and that's it! No more news from him until today. I was so busy the past week, I couldn't actually find the time to see him face to face.

I'll definitely have to do something about it, or get depression, no joke. This was also the first time I  gave a serious thought about resigning, and it has nothing to do with my competency, or maybe it has. Who knows, maybe I'm so competent, everyone wants me to be in their unit that's why, HAHA just saying.

Anyway, yeahh, resolutions.

• I'm trying to be more in control of my own emotions, so I decided to start writing a diary again.
• Get back on track, I have a beach holiday to look forward to in June YAY.
• Cut down on online shopping!
• Cut down on junk food and emotional eating.
• Be more patient.
• Be a nice friend.

Happy 2019!

Helplessness

I think the most helpless part about a long distance relationship is definitely the wish-I-could-be-there moments, when they tell you about their suffering and you hear your heart breaking but that's practically all you can do.

 

You wish you could be there for them but you can only wish, and saying it out loud feels pointless because you just cannot be there.

but still, damn I wish I could be there for you.

get well soon, baby.

August thirty-first

Just wow. September is coming soon.
TIME SERIOUSLY FLIES, yea you probably saw that coming (that is, if anyone is still reading haha)

61st year of independence.
I used to feel extra patriotic and slightly excited during Merdeka day.
In secondary school we had so much fun waving flags and singing songs
Leaving secondary school somehow I could still feel the celebration vibes
This year it feels really different.
Whatever sort of holiday is just a holiday to me, and I am grateful because I get an extra day to laze around.
I know for many, the Independence Day this year feels extra good because it's our first Merdeka with the new government. For me, that joy has somehow faded, mainly because nothing has really changed for me in terms of my work and workload. We still have to deal with all the same things which burdened us so much. Of course, I know, changes take time.

But anyway, that was just in terms of my job. 0% GST has definitely been good, especially for an online shopping addict like me.

I am still proud to be a Malaysian and still glad that I was born in this land where we grow up in peace and amongst all yummy food. Haha. HAPPY MERDEKA!

August

This is scary. Time never waits for anyone huh.
Another school year is going to end real soon, and I still have no idea about what I want in life.

We were asked to choose between EPF or pension scheme, of course I chose EPF cz I still don't think I am able to teach till I am 60, but who knows. How do people know what they desire and actually work towards it. These days I forget what I want to do after 10 seconds.

Things change, people change, so much has changed.
I see it, I feel it, and the sense of helplessness makes me want to just block everything out and act normal. I guess we all do so, I guess that's what adulting is all about. Haha.

You know they say the happiest people are usually the saddest. I won't say I am THAT sad, but beneath all the crazy or mindless things I say and do, I sometimes hate that I think a lot.

Sometimes I wonder if I am the one who is holding on too much when we are all supposed to move on, but I also thought precious things like friendships are meant to stay strong.

I am getting really bad at voicing my thoughts, and this is bad.
Sigh. I have had better times.

Or maybe it's just PMS.

Happy birthday to my mummy <3 p="">
Question 1:
What does THAT refer to?

Hahaha, yea guess who is being silly again.
Till then, tata.

always collecting dust

Have you ever had so much going through your head but you just don't feel like talking about it to anyone? Yea that's me at the moment, and I thought that blogging about it will make me feel better, but as I come to this page, I just keep on staring at the page and I don't even know what is bugging me.

Expectation sucks.

Being around people sucks.

Most of the time when I'm in school I just wish everyone leaves me alone hahaha I think I have some serious problem. Anyway I'm just happy holiday is coming soon, but I cannot imagine bringing myself back to work after a month long break.

I'm also glad to have witnessed a change in the political situation in Malaysia, ha, and I can't wait to see how the education system is going to change. Oh wait, expectation sucks, hahaha. I'll just wait and see.

I HAD A DREAM

I had quite a weird dream one or two days ago. The thing with dreams is that you usually forget what they were no matter how hard you try not to forget, but this one came back to me after I have forgotten about it.

Some random fact, I remember reading about nightmares/bad dreams as a kid, that we should talk about the bad dreams to prevent them from happening, so I made it a point to tell people my bad dreams, and am still doing it today. 

Anyway the dream I want to share wasn't a bad one. It was just kinda bizzare. Firstly, I received a text from a good friend who fell apart. Apparently this friend is mad at me for not telling things. In the dream, it seemed he was ready to patch things up, but of course, when I woke up it was only just a dream.

I actually feel sad, I guess he feels so too. It does feel horrible, being left out when you are supposed to be real good friends. But to my own defense, I was at a point that I wanted minimal involvement of other people on that particular incident. I guessed I made my choice to settle things my way, and he made his choice to be unhappy. There were times I thought I should take initiative to try fix things, but I've got other shit to handle. Life has to go on and I am not ready to face a telling off or cold treatment. Am I not appreciating this friendship enough? I don't think so. But I guess sometimes we just have to accept that people will not always follow the way we hope they should. After all, it's my own life, and your own life.

 And then, in that same dream I was with my boyfriend, we bought tickets to go somewhere, I don't remember where. Suddenly, another two friends who no longer wish to be my friends appeared, and stole my tickets. HAHAHA I don't know what that means.



當一陣風吹來 風箏飛上天空
為了你而祈禱 而祝福 而感動

By the way, Mayday was awesome T.T

知足的快樂 叫我忍受心痛



some people

I don't know how does it feel to be someone who always thinks bad about other people.
I don't understand how can someone harbour so much negativity.

So I've been away from school for three days for a camp that I literally just sat and waited for food (the organizer invited speakers and camp master from outside, so all I had to do was bring the students there and be there in case the students needed anything. In the end all they ever asked from us was our phones for them to take selfie. Of course I said no, it's my phone hello.)

During my absence, there was this meeting for the sports day. One of the younger teachers personally approached the committee head and told him she has some skin problem and cannot stay under the sun for too long. Therefore, she wished to be assigned a different task. And guess what, this arsehole decided she was lying and mocked her in front of all teachers, saying that she would burn and things like that. And this of course sparked continuous waves of sarcastic comments from other arseholes and beaches. This group of idiots includes some of the laziest people in school, many who use their so called seniority and position to get away from workload, while this girl, like the rest of us young teachers just accepts whatever shitty tasks they throw to us and gets job done.

Besides, who in their right mind would curse herself just to escape job, I don't know. It's like saying your grandmother passed away so you can't go to school when clearly your grandmother is still alive. Then again, maybe those idiots will. She could have just produced a doctor letter and escape the sports duty totally, but she didn't. All she asked for was a change in task, and look what she got.

I just hope I won't become like them. Now I understand, just like common sense, empathy and compassion don't come by naturally, and that the world is full of idiots.

unrelated photo. I just needed a photo. haha

2018

Wow. My last post was in October.
So here comes my wrap up plus welcoming the new year post.

2017. wow.
I started to take diet seriously and I managed to slim down a lot, but consistency and perseverance are really crucial, I have been slacking so I am slowly gaining them back.

I travelled to Miri, Jogjakarta, Penang, Singapore and KL.

3 of my friends got married.

One of the very obvious changes I experienced is my previous housemates who came to this school together with me are both happily married now, and one even gave birth to a daughter in December. It's hard to believe in such a short span of time everything has changed.

Work was okay. I thank myself for making it through the year.

I fell out of love. Probably one of the most drastic decisions I have ever made. Nothing dramatic happened between us except I told him let's be friends. Too many things built up, my fault, his fault, and I got too tired one day.

Then I fell in love. The breakup almost drove me crazy, with all the guilt and pressure from so many parties. I fell sick, I haven't been that sick for long. But I am happy. I have never felt so in love before.

I let people down, my family, my friends. But why do I always have to live up to everyone's expectation. Why can't I just fuck up.

2018.
I learned not to tell everything. Life sucks. Work sucks. Does it mean that this year is gonna suck for me. FML bring it on.

有時你的自以為是帶來的殺傷力不是你可以想像的 我真的不愛說話了

HELP

Almost at the end of the academic year, workload is piling up, due to 

MY. OWN. PROCRASTINATION.

hahaha

Whatever happened to all the I must be productive, I must be organized, I must be everything that I'm not now haha. 

CONSISTENCY MEL, CONSISTENCY.

Better luck next year, off to settle things I have yet to do T.T

Anyone still reading?

Haha. So previously when I did the sayatme and sarahah thing, there were people asking me about this blog, it's quite nice to know someone still reads.

Then I started thinking, why would I run out of topics to blog about?
I do get it, my life is falling into a boring pattern, but there are so many little things in life worth recording, so why did I stop recording?

Then I think I found the answer, it must be because of Instagram story. Haha.

Sometimes I come across something really funny, and I thought I should blog about it. But at the same time I might have shared it on ig story, then after the story disappears 24 hours later, the thought of blogging disappears together with it, because 1. I've shared about it, I am lazy to do the same thing again, 2. I forgot what it was.

When I finally realized what was happening, I told myself I have to get back to this dusty space because it was something I really enjoyed doing, and I am not ready to let this blog die.

MELODY MUST NOT LET INSTAGRAM STORY KILL HER BLOG.

Holiday

As Malaysians, we are blessed with a lot of holidays. 

I won't pretend that I do not feel happy when I get extra days off but I do agree with what people are talking about reducing productivity. 

I feel so reluctant to get back to school, to start everything all over again, to go through the same things over and over again, to see the same people and listen to them talk about the same things. 

Then I think of my students, I have to face them again! HELP!! 

they're probably feeling the same too, oh shit, have to face Cikgu Kho again. 

and I bet 120% they did not do the holiday work I myself or any other teacher of theirs assigned. 

I can already see myself getting mad in class tomorrow. 

anyway, how did I get here?

Oh, the holidays definitely slowed down the momentum, and I am as ready to face tomorrow as my students are ready to face SPM (which is NOT READY AT ALL). And also, knowing that holidays are coming up again, tell me how to gather myself together. T.T

I can do this. (while my heart and soul travels all around the world)

Quarter 3

Ohmy ohmy, August is about to end. And I haven't been updating. There are a few reasons, but mainly it is laziness, and I don't really know what to write anymore. I don't feel like typing a whole chunk of rants, I don't have any light topic to share, I am getting boring. 

more than two months since our trip to Jogjakarta.

I'm missing the carefree times and the crazy people.

Haha, it seems I am always saying the same thing.

Indeed, I am becoming boring.

So how's life? Okay-ish. Still alive and kicking (the ass of nobody) lol.

I've been working for a year and a half already (!!)

how did time pass me by?

what do I want to do with my life? I don't know.

what are my dreams? I don't know.

am I happy? I don't know.

err, so here's my sort of update. haha

let me rearrange my thoughts and my life, and I'll be back

not gonna let 2017 end with only 3 posts (omg)

Monday morning thoughts

I'm back. More than a month late.
I'm really excited because holiday is just around the corner, literally around the corner hehe. But I'm feeling so burdenend looking at 5C. They are so weak and lacking of motivation and purpose in life. Becoming a teacher helped me see how education is so important. Looking at my students I often tell myself education is what will help them change their situation but they seem not to care at all, and this kind of attitude is not gonna take them anywhere.

I can already see them wasting their life away smoking, racing illegally, having the time of their life, even doing drugs, because that's what they're doing now, while their parents work hard trying to support them. Have these kids no eyes to see the hardship of their parents?

I've seen parents paying for textbooks that their irresponsible child lose. They're so lucky to have textbook loans yet they lose the books within 3 months of schooling. They have this paper 3 in History which is an open book test, and will make up 10% of their to final results, but they choose to stare at the paper, doing nothing, knowing very well that they have to pass History to qualify for a certificate. It was worse last year, many come for exam without pens.

I know SPM isn't everything, I know good results doesn't mean a good future, I know what they say about not judging a fish by its ability to climb trees, but this just isn't the csse here. These fishes don't even know how to breathe in water.

I wanna cry. :/

Life

Whatever happened to resolutions and goals?
.
.
.
.
Yeah, life happened.

I don't even know where to begin. So during the hiatus, the following happened:

1. More responsibilities
2. Had a good year end holiday, met my friends and also went travelling (had wanted to blog all about it but we all know what happened)
3. I started eating clean and a stricter fitness routine
4. I contemplated life and goals
5. I wanted to quit
6. I still want to quit
7. ... I should really sleep.

I'll be back soon, I hope. 

one fine Saturday morning, I'm back!

typing from my *workstation on a Saturday morning.
** just my table in the staff room, workstation makes everything, including me sound more professional lol. I'm sitting with my legs folded, clad in jeans and a polo Tee, not very professional.

Forgive me for being random, we woke up to messages saying it is a working day, wow wow wow. Had I knew earlier, I wouldn't have stayed back yesterday to settle stuff, sacrificing my nap. Ugh whatever, I'm not complaining. So before I get back to my work, let me just update, more like backdate a bit.

Recently I picked up a new instrument, I'm now playing in our school's teacher gamelan team.

the other day, we were invited to perform in another school's award giving ceremony.

this school also provide for students with special needs, and the above photo is them performing a dance. I don't know why I started to cry. How does it feel to be like them, looking at their other schoolmates who can walk, run, speak, dance and do anything freely while they struggle through life? How does it feel to be like their teacher who see them fall, see their hardship?

At that moment with my eyes red and wet, I was feeling very thankful for everything.

the first time I tried on the new instrument, I don't know the name haha. I have also gotten to try on the drum for a few times by now.

Performing alongside students during the Form 6 graduation.

I lost count of the times I wore this costume, hoping I can officially retire and become the coach starting next year. I can be really fierce and I kind of like it hahaha.

look at that eyebag.

alright. work is waiting. see you hopefully soon!

October

Ohmy, almost one month since my last update, and the damned Blogger app on my phone just has to decide to crash each time I type something, how convenient. I have so many drafts waiting to be published, but they are all in my head, meaning to say, they'll probably stay in my head until I get less lazy, or until I forget.

Since the past is too far from now, let me just blog about yesterday first (I will get back to the past I promise) It was the National Sports Day and our school had a mini sports and uniform unit carnival in conjunction with the celebration. I was quite reluctant at first because it had been such a brain draining week and I felt quite exhausted.

Oh wow you cannot add pbotos when you're blogging from your browser! *insert shocked emoji* (I can do it for you but you won't be able to see it anyway)

I woke up the wrong side of the bed, groaned, sigh and moaned until time was running out, then reluctantly got ready for school. Got grumpier because I had to help people do their job, which always seems to happen in this school and it is damn annoying.

But somehow, the grumpiness seemed to vanish. The activities were fun! There were marching, netball and basketball matches, futsal, cooking in the wild, building of camps and most excitingly tug of war. I got so excited watching and supported all my classes, jumping beside them like crazy. Hahaha

Before 4C entered final, my friend told them: if you find the opponent overpowering you, let go together and let them fly! But they said: no teacher, even if we lose to them, we'll still cooperate and fight till the end.

I was so touched, their palms already had wounds from earlier matches, and they had never been this united before. They lost though, the champion was too strong. But guess what, after they got up, they were hugging and shaking hands, and a boy smiled happily saying: it's okay, we got second!

I went all awww inside. I hope this newfound unity among them would make them better students in class too. Exam starts on Tuesday. Here comes the marking struggle again. I really really really really seriously hope they will improve. They're already quite deeply rooted into my heart.

Be back soon to upload photos, and expiring posts. Have a nice Sunday !

Happy Holiday wheeeee

We (or I) always tell myself whatever I do, it is not to please anyone. Indeed it is very true, especially in school. 

Don't remember if I said before, there are many people who try too hard to impress someone else. 

On Thursday, we were called to meet the principal in groups. I didn't know until now that teachers are evaluated. Then I found out I was being grouped in the first group, meaning to say among the high achievers. Principal seems to have high hopes for me, I hope I can live up to his expectations, it does feel good when your hard work is being recognized.

And finally it's school holiday! Home is seriously the best recharge station, now let me enjoy this long awaited and well deserved break. 

Ugly pimple scar but never mind. Hehehe

Nerd

I'm so excited. More and more people are reading. Azreena, my neighbour in the staff room has borrowed three books from me. And Rose sitting behind me borrowed my Inferno for one day, the next day, she told me she bought both Inferno and Angels and Demons. Lol, but Rose, I have almost all of Dan Brown's books... 

It's not like they're new readers, but they might have stopped because they got lazy or work got in the way. Now we can discuss about books. Can you imagine how excited I am? I've always wanted reading partners, or unboring book clubs, now I get them!

And we were choosing characters for members of the English panel from Harry Potter. Rose picked Longbottom for Flora (wow no wonder they click so well ((Rose just transferred here mid-July or something)) then I remembered, and almost shouted out: Azreena is Longbottom!! 

Azreena is so forgetful, she forgot she is forgetful. 

"But my bottom is not long *insert crying emoji*"

No use Azreena, you are Longbottom. Hahahaha, it does feel awesome to be able to speak HP. We've got Dudley, Molly Weasley, Trelawney, Voldemort and many more soon to be discovered. 

It all started when Rose asked me, do you think Voldemort is in? Hahahaha 

Need chocolate, or cakes, or both

This must come out. 

I am stressed, tired, and feeling very helpless. For many meetings with or without us, the English panel has been the target of criticism, simply because students perform the worst in English.

We get scolded, publicly shamed, and it is very embarrassing. Some things are being overlooked, the blame pointed directly to teachers.

1. Students' proficiency level

I might have said this before. Damn, they can't even write sentences, they can't even pronounce easy words like deny, like advantages. You can scold them using a whole long sentence in English and they'll just smile at you, looking confused. AND WE ARE EXPECTED TO MAKE THEM PASS, AND MAKE THEM SCORE? They are not even sure about the 5W and 1H.

Students at this age, especially the exam classes, their language ability is already shaped. It all goes back to their primary school or even pre-school education. There's only so little we can do to help.

2. Motivation 

Students are not at all motivated. They come to school just because they have to, they play with friends, they sing, they sleep, they sneak to toilet for cigarette breaks. I always feel like a clown, doing all sorts of things to grab students' attention, but all I get is confirmation on my earlier feeling; indeed I am a clown, they don't even care. True, I can do fun activities, I can let them sing, play with them, but we are supposed to focus on results. 

We say the education system in Malaysia is a failure, yet we are working towards the very same direction. When can we stop judging elephants on their ability to fly.

I can't help wondering how different my students' lives would be were they born and brought up somewhere else. It would have been so different right? I don't know how to make them look beyond here and realize what education can do for them and their families.

And I'm seriously tired. My voice is tired, my brain is tired, I am tired.