October

Ohmy, almost one month since my last update, and the damned Blogger app on my phone just has to decide to crash each time I type something, how convenient. I have so many drafts waiting to be published, but they are all in my head, meaning to say, they'll probably stay in my head until I get less lazy, or until I forget.

Since the past is too far from now, let me just blog about yesterday first (I will get back to the past I promise) It was the National Sports Day and our school had a mini sports and uniform unit carnival in conjunction with the celebration. I was quite reluctant at first because it had been such a brain draining week and I felt quite exhausted.

Oh wow you cannot add pbotos when you're blogging from your browser! *insert shocked emoji* (I can do it for you but you won't be able to see it anyway)

I woke up the wrong side of the bed, groaned, sigh and moaned until time was running out, then reluctantly got ready for school. Got grumpier because I had to help people do their job, which always seems to happen in this school and it is damn annoying.

But somehow, the grumpiness seemed to vanish. The activities were fun! There were marching, netball and basketball matches, futsal, cooking in the wild, building of camps and most excitingly tug of war. I got so excited watching and supported all my classes, jumping beside them like crazy. Hahaha

Before 4C entered final, my friend told them: if you find the opponent overpowering you, let go together and let them fly! But they said: no teacher, even if we lose to them, we'll still cooperate and fight till the end.

I was so touched, their palms already had wounds from earlier matches, and they had never been this united before. They lost though, the champion was too strong. But guess what, after they got up, they were hugging and shaking hands, and a boy smiled happily saying: it's okay, we got second!

I went all awww inside. I hope this newfound unity among them would make them better students in class too. Exam starts on Tuesday. Here comes the marking struggle again. I really really really really seriously hope they will improve. They're already quite deeply rooted into my heart.

Be back soon to upload photos, and expiring posts. Have a nice Sunday !

Happy Holiday wheeeee

We (or I) always tell myself whatever I do, it is not to please anyone. Indeed it is very true, especially in school. 

Don't remember if I said before, there are many people who try too hard to impress someone else. 

On Thursday, we were called to meet the principal in groups. I didn't know until now that teachers are evaluated. Then I found out I was being grouped in the first group, meaning to say among the high achievers. Principal seems to have high hopes for me, I hope I can live up to his expectations, it does feel good when your hard work is being recognized.

And finally it's school holiday! Home is seriously the best recharge station, now let me enjoy this long awaited and well deserved break. 

Ugly pimple scar but never mind. Hehehe

Nerd

I'm so excited. More and more people are reading. Azreena, my neighbour in the staff room has borrowed three books from me. And Rose sitting behind me borrowed my Inferno for one day, the next day, she told me she bought both Inferno and Angels and Demons. Lol, but Rose, I have almost all of Dan Brown's books... 

It's not like they're new readers, but they might have stopped because they got lazy or work got in the way. Now we can discuss about books. Can you imagine how excited I am? I've always wanted reading partners, or unboring book clubs, now I get them!

And we were choosing characters for members of the English panel from Harry Potter. Rose picked Longbottom for Flora (wow no wonder they click so well ((Rose just transferred here mid-July or something)) then I remembered, and almost shouted out: Azreena is Longbottom!! 

Azreena is so forgetful, she forgot she is forgetful. 

"But my bottom is not long *insert crying emoji*"

No use Azreena, you are Longbottom. Hahahaha, it does feel awesome to be able to speak HP. We've got Dudley, Molly Weasley, Trelawney, Voldemort and many more soon to be discovered. 

It all started when Rose asked me, do you think Voldemort is in? Hahahaha 

Need chocolate, or cakes, or both

This must come out. 

I am stressed, tired, and feeling very helpless. For many meetings with or without us, the English panel has been the target of criticism, simply because students perform the worst in English.

We get scolded, publicly shamed, and it is very embarrassing. Some things are being overlooked, the blame pointed directly to teachers.

1. Students' proficiency level

I might have said this before. Damn, they can't even write sentences, they can't even pronounce easy words like deny, like advantages. You can scold them using a whole long sentence in English and they'll just smile at you, looking confused. AND WE ARE EXPECTED TO MAKE THEM PASS, AND MAKE THEM SCORE? They are not even sure about the 5W and 1H.

Students at this age, especially the exam classes, their language ability is already shaped. It all goes back to their primary school or even pre-school education. There's only so little we can do to help.

2. Motivation 

Students are not at all motivated. They come to school just because they have to, they play with friends, they sing, they sleep, they sneak to toilet for cigarette breaks. I always feel like a clown, doing all sorts of things to grab students' attention, but all I get is confirmation on my earlier feeling; indeed I am a clown, they don't even care. True, I can do fun activities, I can let them sing, play with them, but we are supposed to focus on results. 

We say the education system in Malaysia is a failure, yet we are working towards the very same direction. When can we stop judging elephants on their ability to fly.

I can't help wondering how different my students' lives would be were they born and brought up somewhere else. It would have been so different right? I don't know how to make them look beyond here and realize what education can do for them and their families.

And I'm seriously tired. My voice is tired, my brain is tired, I am tired.

Well. August again.

So it has been confirmed.

The principal has received our letter.

Can't say I don't feel disappointed, because I am. I was still holding onto the hope of being posted back to Kuching. 

Well, at least not somewhere further. There is always a silver lining right?

At least this place is still reachable by road

At least I have friends with me

At least I don't have to start all over again

At least I can learn and grow a lot working under this principal, I just pray I don't get tired and become lazy

At least I've grown to adapt to my students, and them to me

So do I really want to be a teacher? I know I can always quit if I want to. No one is forcing me. But this is a challenge to me, I want to see how far I can go.

People fall sick, people lose weight because of the stress, but I remain the same. Maybe I'm actually tough, maybe I have high stress tolerance, maybe my body just works differently from others. Haha whatever. Bought myself an abs roller yesterday. Yay.

Just some photos of me at work. Ugh, there's replacement class tomorrow.