Helplessness

I think the most helpless part about a long distance relationship is definitely the wish-I-could-be-there moments, when they tell you about their suffering and you hear your heart breaking but that's practically all you can do.

 

You wish you could be there for them but you can only wish, and saying it out loud feels pointless because you just cannot be there.

but still, damn I wish I could be there for you.

get well soon, baby.

August thirty-first

Just wow. September is coming soon.
TIME SERIOUSLY FLIES, yea you probably saw that coming (that is, if anyone is still reading haha)

61st year of independence.
I used to feel extra patriotic and slightly excited during Merdeka day.
In secondary school we had so much fun waving flags and singing songs
Leaving secondary school somehow I could still feel the celebration vibes
This year it feels really different.
Whatever sort of holiday is just a holiday to me, and I am grateful because I get an extra day to laze around.
I know for many, the Independence Day this year feels extra good because it's our first Merdeka with the new government. For me, that joy has somehow faded, mainly because nothing has really changed for me in terms of my work and workload. We still have to deal with all the same things which burdened us so much. Of course, I know, changes take time.

But anyway, that was just in terms of my job. 0% GST has definitely been good, especially for an online shopping addict like me.

I am still proud to be a Malaysian and still glad that I was born in this land where we grow up in peace and amongst all yummy food. Haha. HAPPY MERDEKA!

August

This is scary. Time never waits for anyone huh.
Another school year is going to end real soon, and I still have no idea about what I want in life.

We were asked to choose between EPF or pension scheme, of course I chose EPF cz I still don't think I am able to teach till I am 60, but who knows. How do people know what they desire and actually work towards it. These days I forget what I want to do after 10 seconds.

Things change, people change, so much has changed.
I see it, I feel it, and the sense of helplessness makes me want to just block everything out and act normal. I guess we all do so, I guess that's what adulting is all about. Haha.

You know they say the happiest people are usually the saddest. I won't say I am THAT sad, but beneath all the crazy or mindless things I say and do, I sometimes hate that I think a lot.

Sometimes I wonder if I am the one who is holding on too much when we are all supposed to move on, but I also thought precious things like friendships are meant to stay strong.

I am getting really bad at voicing my thoughts, and this is bad.
Sigh. I have had better times.

Or maybe it's just PMS.

Happy birthday to my mummy <3 p="">
Question 1:
What does THAT refer to?

Hahaha, yea guess who is being silly again.
Till then, tata.

always collecting dust

Have you ever had so much going through your head but you just don't feel like talking about it to anyone? Yea that's me at the moment, and I thought that blogging about it will make me feel better, but as I come to this page, I just keep on staring at the page and I don't even know what is bugging me.

Expectation sucks.

Being around people sucks.

Most of the time when I'm in school I just wish everyone leaves me alone hahaha I think I have some serious problem. Anyway I'm just happy holiday is coming soon, but I cannot imagine bringing myself back to work after a month long break.

I'm also glad to have witnessed a change in the political situation in Malaysia, ha, and I can't wait to see how the education system is going to change. Oh wait, expectation sucks, hahaha. I'll just wait and see.

I HAD A DREAM

I had quite a weird dream one or two days ago. The thing with dreams is that you usually forget what they were no matter how hard you try not to forget, but this one came back to me after I have forgotten about it.

Some random fact, I remember reading about nightmares/bad dreams as a kid, that we should talk about the bad dreams to prevent them from happening, so I made it a point to tell people my bad dreams, and am still doing it today. 

Anyway the dream I want to share wasn't a bad one. It was just kinda bizzare. Firstly, I received a text from a good friend who fell apart. Apparently this friend is mad at me for not telling things. In the dream, it seemed he was ready to patch things up, but of course, when I woke up it was only just a dream.

I actually feel sad, I guess he feels so too. It does feel horrible, being left out when you are supposed to be real good friends. But to my own defense, I was at a point that I wanted minimal involvement of other people on that particular incident. I guessed I made my choice to settle things my way, and he made his choice to be unhappy. There were times I thought I should take initiative to try fix things, but I've got other shit to handle. Life has to go on and I am not ready to face a telling off or cold treatment. Am I not appreciating this friendship enough? I don't think so. But I guess sometimes we just have to accept that people will not always follow the way we hope they should. After all, it's my own life, and your own life.

 And then, in that same dream I was with my boyfriend, we bought tickets to go somewhere, I don't remember where. Suddenly, another two friends who no longer wish to be my friends appeared, and stole my tickets. HAHAHA I don't know what that means.



當一陣風吹來 風箏飛上天空
為了你而祈禱 而祝福 而感動

By the way, Mayday was awesome T.T

知足的快樂 叫我忍受心痛



some people

I don't know how does it feel to be someone who always thinks bad about other people.
I don't understand how can someone harbour so much negativity.

So I've been away from school for three days for a camp that I literally just sat and waited for food (the organizer invited speakers and camp master from outside, so all I had to do was bring the students there and be there in case the students needed anything. In the end all they ever asked from us was our phones for them to take selfie. Of course I said no, it's my phone hello.)

During my absence, there was this meeting for the sports day. One of the younger teachers personally approached the committee head and told him she has some skin problem and cannot stay under the sun for too long. Therefore, she wished to be assigned a different task. And guess what, this arsehole decided she was lying and mocked her in front of all teachers, saying that she would burn and things like that. And this of course sparked continuous waves of sarcastic comments from other arseholes and beaches. This group of idiots includes some of the laziest people in school, many who use their so called seniority and position to get away from workload, while this girl, like the rest of us young teachers just accepts whatever shitty tasks they throw to us and gets job done.

Besides, who in their right mind would curse herself just to escape job, I don't know. It's like saying your grandmother passed away so you can't go to school when clearly your grandmother is still alive. Then again, maybe those idiots will. She could have just produced a doctor letter and escape the sports duty totally, but she didn't. All she asked for was a change in task, and look what she got.

I just hope I won't become like them. Now I understand, just like common sense, empathy and compassion don't come by naturally, and that the world is full of idiots.

unrelated photo. I just needed a photo. haha

2018

Wow. My last post was in October.
So here comes my wrap up plus welcoming the new year post.

2017. wow.
I started to take diet seriously and I managed to slim down a lot, but consistency and perseverance are really crucial, I have been slacking so I am slowly gaining them back.

I travelled to Miri, Jogjakarta, Penang, Singapore and KL.

3 of my friends got married.

One of the very obvious changes I experienced is my previous housemates who came to this school together with me are both happily married now, and one even gave birth to a daughter in December. It's hard to believe in such a short span of time everything has changed.

Work was okay. I thank myself for making it through the year.

I fell out of love. Probably one of the most drastic decisions I have ever made. Nothing dramatic happened between us except I told him let's be friends. Too many things built up, my fault, his fault, and I got too tired one day.

Then I fell in love. The breakup almost drove me crazy, with all the guilt and pressure from so many parties. I fell sick, I haven't been that sick for long. But I am happy. I have never felt so in love before.

I let people down, my family, my friends. But why do I always have to live up to everyone's expectation. Why can't I just fuck up.

2018.
I learned not to tell everything. Life sucks. Work sucks. Does it mean that this year is gonna suck for me. FML bring it on.

有時你的自以為是帶來的殺傷力不是你可以想像的 我真的不愛說話了