Nerd

I'm so excited. More and more people are reading. Azreena, my neighbour in the staff room has borrowed three books from me. And Rose sitting behind me borrowed my Inferno for one day, the next day, she told me she bought both Inferno and Angels and Demons. Lol, but Rose, I have almost all of Dan Brown's books... 

It's not like they're new readers, but they might have stopped because they got lazy or work got in the way. Now we can discuss about books. Can you imagine how excited I am? I've always wanted reading partners, or unboring book clubs, now I get them!

And we were choosing characters for members of the English panel from Harry Potter. Rose picked Longbottom for Flora (wow no wonder they click so well ((Rose just transferred here mid-July or something)) then I remembered, and almost shouted out: Azreena is Longbottom!! 

Azreena is so forgetful, she forgot she is forgetful. 

"But my bottom is not long *insert crying emoji*"

No use Azreena, you are Longbottom. Hahahaha, it does feel awesome to be able to speak HP. We've got Dudley, Molly Weasley, Trelawney, Voldemort and many more soon to be discovered. 

It all started when Rose asked me, do you think Voldemort is in? Hahahaha 

Need chocolate, or cakes, or both

This must come out. 

I am stressed, tired, and feeling very helpless. For many meetings with or without us, the English panel has been the target of criticism, simply because students perform the worst in English.

We get scolded, publicly shamed, and it is very embarrassing. Some things are being overlooked, the blame pointed directly to teachers.

1. Students' proficiency level

I might have said this before. Damn, they can't even write sentences, they can't even pronounce easy words like deny, like advantages. You can scold them using a whole long sentence in English and they'll just smile at you, looking confused. AND WE ARE EXPECTED TO MAKE THEM PASS, AND MAKE THEM SCORE? They are not even sure about the 5W and 1H.

Students at this age, especially the exam classes, their language ability is already shaped. It all goes back to their primary school or even pre-school education. There's only so little we can do to help.

2. Motivation 

Students are not at all motivated. They come to school just because they have to, they play with friends, they sing, they sleep, they sneak to toilet for cigarette breaks. I always feel like a clown, doing all sorts of things to grab students' attention, but all I get is confirmation on my earlier feeling; indeed I am a clown, they don't even care. True, I can do fun activities, I can let them sing, play with them, but we are supposed to focus on results. 

We say the education system in Malaysia is a failure, yet we are working towards the very same direction. When can we stop judging elephants on their ability to fly.

I can't help wondering how different my students' lives would be were they born and brought up somewhere else. It would have been so different right? I don't know how to make them look beyond here and realize what education can do for them and their families.

And I'm seriously tired. My voice is tired, my brain is tired, I am tired.

Well. August again.

So it has been confirmed.

The principal has received our letter.

Can't say I don't feel disappointed, because I am. I was still holding onto the hope of being posted back to Kuching. 

Well, at least not somewhere further. There is always a silver lining right?

At least this place is still reachable by road

At least I have friends with me

At least I don't have to start all over again

At least I can learn and grow a lot working under this principal, I just pray I don't get tired and become lazy

At least I've grown to adapt to my students, and them to me

So do I really want to be a teacher? I know I can always quit if I want to. No one is forcing me. But this is a challenge to me, I want to see how far I can go.

People fall sick, people lose weight because of the stress, but I remain the same. Maybe I'm actually tough, maybe I have high stress tolerance, maybe my body just works differently from others. Haha whatever. Bought myself an abs roller yesterday. Yay.

Just some photos of me at work. Ugh, there's replacement class tomorrow. 

August

Going onto any form of social media was indeed a big mistake, I cried watching the videos. Hahaha no kidding T.T. He sang so well and so many good songs that he didn't or seldom sing during his concerts. I just cannot T.T please don't let me miss another concert. 

My Facebook feed is full of: 1. Jay Chou concert news, 2. Pokemon.

Unashamedly, I'll admit I'm also one of the new pokemon trainers, a lazy one though. Upon downloading I was so happy, hopping up and down, then I set out to look for pokemons. But at this moment, I was already a bit discouraged because I missed the first chance of catching a pikachu HAHAHA should've read the tips people were posting before starting. So the key is to ignore the first 5 pokemons you meet. Okay back to my first adventure. I brought the rubbish out to throw so that I don't look awkward. But once I reached the gate of the quarters, I saw students playing basketball in the stadium right opposite. I decided to ignore them, they might not even notice me. But then! A group of girls were coming my way, maybe to the grocery shops. That was it, I walked back to the quarters dejectedly.

At night while I was reading, (currently reading Bourne Ultimatum, damn, the book is good! Must go to my old neighbour again after I've finished this batch of his books!) I thought, yes I should go hunting pokemons tomorrow morning, i.e. today, before the students start getting active. I know they have breakfast at the dewan makan at 8am, so before 8 until 9am would be a safe time for me. Woke up slightly after 8 and I was ready for another trip. 

I excitedly opened the app and saw that there were 5 pokemons nearby. I walked and walked for maybe 300m, until I reached the bus stop opposite the school's main gate, but still could not find any of the pokemons mentioned. Suddenly I was feeling self conscious again, so I sat down at the bus stop and pretended to be busy texting someone. After roughly 10 minutes, I decided to come back, but not before I made plans with my deskmate in the staffroom to go hunting together tomorrow after school ahaha

No one to help me take pretentious photo looking like an adventurer, an old one will do. So gotta catch 'em all!