说了再见 才发现再也见不到

the last post was more than two weeks ago.

I was praying for a miracle

the miracle did come

my cousin, who was in urgent need of a healthy liver transplant received it on time

all the unsaid fear seemed to melt away, there seemed to be hope

but in the end, she didn't make it. or maybe she let go.

I guess I would choose to believe the latter.

rather than staying alive having to suffer endless treatments, injections, medications and even painful dialysis, letting go seems a welcoming alternative.

but when we saw her off the car, to the airport, I really believed she would come back, my tallest female cousin, not the container of ashes.

my family from daddy's side is very weird, according to mummy.

we don't talk much, but that's just how we are, we just don't talk much.

once in a while, when we get to gather, we would always, always compare our height. cousins on daddy's side are generally tall, except for one petite cousin. I am probably the second or third shortest, now that the pet frog is A LITTLE BIT taller than me. and then we talk nonsense.

we don't talk much, but you can't say we weren't close.

she was always there, every gathering. not needing to stand up, because she would always be the tallest, she is taller than my daddy. she always asked about when we were leaving for studies again, when we were coming back, when we were graduating. mummy said she had also asked about daddy's injuries, probably because she was experiencing some pain and knew how it felt, but she never ever expressed. she was always smiling. I remember every Chinese New Year, she would look at my nails and say I did a great job, and I helped her paint hers a few times. somehow, I can memorize her phone number, and that was all I remember of her.

her friends have been flooding her Facebook wall. she was such a nice person, so kind, so helpful, and always smiling. I didn't know she was active in basketball, I always thought it was her younger sister's talent. the bridesmaid dress she bought for us which failed to come in time for her wedding day is still hung in the closet, it was just last year. we said to put it on and take a photo when visiting her house this CNY, but never did, and it will never ever be done anymore.

a rare genetic disease. and all was taken away. life really does suck.