one fine Saturday morning, I'm back!

typing from my *workstation on a Saturday morning.
** just my table in the staff room, workstation makes everything, including me sound more professional lol. I'm sitting with my legs folded, clad in jeans and a polo Tee, not very professional.

Forgive me for being random, we woke up to messages saying it is a working day, wow wow wow. Had I knew earlier, I wouldn't have stayed back yesterday to settle stuff, sacrificing my nap. Ugh whatever, I'm not complaining. So before I get back to my work, let me just update, more like backdate a bit.

Recently I picked up a new instrument, I'm now playing in our school's teacher gamelan team.

the other day, we were invited to perform in another school's award giving ceremony.

this school also provide for students with special needs, and the above photo is them performing a dance. I don't know why I started to cry. How does it feel to be like them, looking at their other schoolmates who can walk, run, speak, dance and do anything freely while they struggle through life? How does it feel to be like their teacher who see them fall, see their hardship?

At that moment with my eyes red and wet, I was feeling very thankful for everything.

the first time I tried on the new instrument, I don't know the name haha. I have also gotten to try on the drum for a few times by now.

Performing alongside students during the Form 6 graduation.

I lost count of the times I wore this costume, hoping I can officially retire and become the coach starting next year. I can be really fierce and I kind of like it hahaha.

look at that eyebag.

alright. work is waiting. see you hopefully soon!

October

Ohmy, almost one month since my last update, and the damned Blogger app on my phone just has to decide to crash each time I type something, how convenient. I have so many drafts waiting to be published, but they are all in my head, meaning to say, they'll probably stay in my head until I get less lazy, or until I forget.

Since the past is too far from now, let me just blog about yesterday first (I will get back to the past I promise) It was the National Sports Day and our school had a mini sports and uniform unit carnival in conjunction with the celebration. I was quite reluctant at first because it had been such a brain draining week and I felt quite exhausted.

Oh wow you cannot add pbotos when you're blogging from your browser! *insert shocked emoji* (I can do it for you but you won't be able to see it anyway)

I woke up the wrong side of the bed, groaned, sigh and moaned until time was running out, then reluctantly got ready for school. Got grumpier because I had to help people do their job, which always seems to happen in this school and it is damn annoying.

But somehow, the grumpiness seemed to vanish. The activities were fun! There were marching, netball and basketball matches, futsal, cooking in the wild, building of camps and most excitingly tug of war. I got so excited watching and supported all my classes, jumping beside them like crazy. Hahaha

Before 4C entered final, my friend told them: if you find the opponent overpowering you, let go together and let them fly! But they said: no teacher, even if we lose to them, we'll still cooperate and fight till the end.

I was so touched, their palms already had wounds from earlier matches, and they had never been this united before. They lost though, the champion was too strong. But guess what, after they got up, they were hugging and shaking hands, and a boy smiled happily saying: it's okay, we got second!

I went all awww inside. I hope this newfound unity among them would make them better students in class too. Exam starts on Tuesday. Here comes the marking struggle again. I really really really really seriously hope they will improve. They're already quite deeply rooted into my heart.

Be back soon to upload photos, and expiring posts. Have a nice Sunday !

Happy Holiday wheeeee

We (or I) always tell myself whatever I do, it is not to please anyone. Indeed it is very true, especially in school. 

Don't remember if I said before, there are many people who try too hard to impress someone else. 

On Thursday, we were called to meet the principal in groups. I didn't know until now that teachers are evaluated. Then I found out I was being grouped in the first group, meaning to say among the high achievers. Principal seems to have high hopes for me, I hope I can live up to his expectations, it does feel good when your hard work is being recognized.

And finally it's school holiday! Home is seriously the best recharge station, now let me enjoy this long awaited and well deserved break. 

Ugly pimple scar but never mind. Hehehe

Nerd

I'm so excited. More and more people are reading. Azreena, my neighbour in the staff room has borrowed three books from me. And Rose sitting behind me borrowed my Inferno for one day, the next day, she told me she bought both Inferno and Angels and Demons. Lol, but Rose, I have almost all of Dan Brown's books... 

It's not like they're new readers, but they might have stopped because they got lazy or work got in the way. Now we can discuss about books. Can you imagine how excited I am? I've always wanted reading partners, or unboring book clubs, now I get them!

And we were choosing characters for members of the English panel from Harry Potter. Rose picked Longbottom for Flora (wow no wonder they click so well ((Rose just transferred here mid-July or something)) then I remembered, and almost shouted out: Azreena is Longbottom!! 

Azreena is so forgetful, she forgot she is forgetful. 

"But my bottom is not long *insert crying emoji*"

No use Azreena, you are Longbottom. Hahahaha, it does feel awesome to be able to speak HP. We've got Dudley, Molly Weasley, Trelawney, Voldemort and many more soon to be discovered. 

It all started when Rose asked me, do you think Voldemort is in? Hahahaha 

Need chocolate, or cakes, or both

This must come out. 

I am stressed, tired, and feeling very helpless. For many meetings with or without us, the English panel has been the target of criticism, simply because students perform the worst in English.

We get scolded, publicly shamed, and it is very embarrassing. Some things are being overlooked, the blame pointed directly to teachers.

1. Students' proficiency level

I might have said this before. Damn, they can't even write sentences, they can't even pronounce easy words like deny, like advantages. You can scold them using a whole long sentence in English and they'll just smile at you, looking confused. AND WE ARE EXPECTED TO MAKE THEM PASS, AND MAKE THEM SCORE? They are not even sure about the 5W and 1H.

Students at this age, especially the exam classes, their language ability is already shaped. It all goes back to their primary school or even pre-school education. There's only so little we can do to help.

2. Motivation 

Students are not at all motivated. They come to school just because they have to, they play with friends, they sing, they sleep, they sneak to toilet for cigarette breaks. I always feel like a clown, doing all sorts of things to grab students' attention, but all I get is confirmation on my earlier feeling; indeed I am a clown, they don't even care. True, I can do fun activities, I can let them sing, play with them, but we are supposed to focus on results. 

We say the education system in Malaysia is a failure, yet we are working towards the very same direction. When can we stop judging elephants on their ability to fly.

I can't help wondering how different my students' lives would be were they born and brought up somewhere else. It would have been so different right? I don't know how to make them look beyond here and realize what education can do for them and their families.

And I'm seriously tired. My voice is tired, my brain is tired, I am tired.

Well. August again.

So it has been confirmed.

The principal has received our letter.

Can't say I don't feel disappointed, because I am. I was still holding onto the hope of being posted back to Kuching. 

Well, at least not somewhere further. There is always a silver lining right?

At least this place is still reachable by road

At least I have friends with me

At least I don't have to start all over again

At least I can learn and grow a lot working under this principal, I just pray I don't get tired and become lazy

At least I've grown to adapt to my students, and them to me

So do I really want to be a teacher? I know I can always quit if I want to. No one is forcing me. But this is a challenge to me, I want to see how far I can go.

People fall sick, people lose weight because of the stress, but I remain the same. Maybe I'm actually tough, maybe I have high stress tolerance, maybe my body just works differently from others. Haha whatever. Bought myself an abs roller yesterday. Yay.

Just some photos of me at work. Ugh, there's replacement class tomorrow. 

August

Going onto any form of social media was indeed a big mistake, I cried watching the videos. Hahaha no kidding T.T. He sang so well and so many good songs that he didn't or seldom sing during his concerts. I just cannot T.T please don't let me miss another concert. 

My Facebook feed is full of: 1. Jay Chou concert news, 2. Pokemon.

Unashamedly, I'll admit I'm also one of the new pokemon trainers, a lazy one though. Upon downloading I was so happy, hopping up and down, then I set out to look for pokemons. But at this moment, I was already a bit discouraged because I missed the first chance of catching a pikachu HAHAHA should've read the tips people were posting before starting. So the key is to ignore the first 5 pokemons you meet. Okay back to my first adventure. I brought the rubbish out to throw so that I don't look awkward. But once I reached the gate of the quarters, I saw students playing basketball in the stadium right opposite. I decided to ignore them, they might not even notice me. But then! A group of girls were coming my way, maybe to the grocery shops. That was it, I walked back to the quarters dejectedly.

At night while I was reading, (currently reading Bourne Ultimatum, damn, the book is good! Must go to my old neighbour again after I've finished this batch of his books!) I thought, yes I should go hunting pokemons tomorrow morning, i.e. today, before the students start getting active. I know they have breakfast at the dewan makan at 8am, so before 8 until 9am would be a safe time for me. Woke up slightly after 8 and I was ready for another trip. 

I excitedly opened the app and saw that there were 5 pokemons nearby. I walked and walked for maybe 300m, until I reached the bus stop opposite the school's main gate, but still could not find any of the pokemons mentioned. Suddenly I was feeling self conscious again, so I sat down at the bus stop and pretended to be busy texting someone. After roughly 10 minutes, I decided to come back, but not before I made plans with my deskmate in the staffroom to go hunting together tomorrow after school ahaha

No one to help me take pretentious photo looking like an adventurer, an old one will do. So gotta catch 'em all!

Ha. Mindless rants

I'm a nerd.

Just finished reading a short story Tanjong Rhu which is to be taught next week. 

Certain things I noticed, such as this main character is a Chinese, Mr Li. But at one point, his wife calls him Edward. I immediately got teleported back to lit classes back in uni. We would have caught that instantly and started a discussion. Oh how I miss those times. Here, I can already shout hallelujah if my students even pay attention to my teaching. Ahh. Life.

The invincible Jay Chou

So true. As the 6th of August becomes nearer and nearer. And I don't even use the phrase just around the corner anymore. I am so tired almost every day, working my ass off, no doubt I have some moments where I just laze and do nothing, but it just isn't the same anymore. 

Being a student, it was quite hard for me to afford everything I wished to have, concert tickets precisely. Now that I'm working, I could pay without feeling as guilty as I would have felt as a student with no income, but I have no time. NO TIME. Doesn't reality just suck?  :/ I can't even go for my idol's concert because of my job. 

Guess I'll have to refrain from going onto any social media from 6/8 to at least 9/8 to avoid seeing all the photos and videos and long captions and what not that'll make me go green with envy. 

Guess I'll play his songs aloud using the speakers and annoy the hell out of my housemates and neighbours. Hahaha

Didn't think I took this, I didn't sit so far away, and definitely not this direction.

And I've even learned a few of his new songs. 

It's okay. There'll always be a next time. This I believe wholeheartedly. 

 

Busy

Hear that a lot. Everyone is busy.

Due dates of files after files

Practices, meetings, observations, big event coming up..

People start falling sick, because of the weather, the workload and the stress. I no longer have time for books, I get too tired, I even fell sick. 

Students still remain demotivated. How will they ever be ready for the PT3 and SPM next year, I've been giving my best, pouring almost all my heart and energy trying to help them, but you can only help those who want to be helped. So true.

On something that got through my mundane lamenting about the current life..

I realized how silly and immature I must have seemed in front of elder or more experienced people when I talk about my worries.

Whatsapped with one of the students who went to the vocational college I mentioned, he said they were suffering. Being treated like idiots by the people there, he was full of anger, hating the teacher, whom according to him, cheated them to go there. 

I thought it must be the orientation, tried to talk him out of his anger and frustration, but in vain. And I heard them saying 13 out of 20 who went are coming back. How silly to have missed out the chance just because they're too immature to withstand the beginning. 

Anyway I'll still welcome them back because I'm awesome and dedicated like that. 

Hahaha. No, actually just because there's nothing I can do about it anyway. I have to accept them again. Lol.

Student said this is also one of their fellow classmates. I said : berapa umur sudah masih macam budak.

If only he knew about Oinky. Hahaha

 

Stupid

So fast, my holiday is going to end. My life currently is living and impatiently waiting for the next school holiday. Sounds pretty sad hahaha. 

So yea, nuff said. Should've just finished everything while I was in school. 

Nothing much, just a short update. How's your holiday going? 

I miss traveling. A lot. T.T

An exciting revelation

It's about my students again, sorry if I bore you.

I saw a boy with an A7x tattoo on his hand. I have heard of this band before but I always thought it was a local punk band or something, judging by their album covers, which I later found is actually one of their band's signature.

So one day, I asked my roommate if she had heard of the band before, she said yes, and played one of their songs. I was shocked, because they are actually orang putih! (Using my students' words), and their song is good! 

Excitedly, I got the song from the roommate, and together with other English songs, I played for them while giving them groupwork. Surprise, surprise! These kids even know Hotel California, Zombie and many other lagu orang putih. Linkin Park too!! You cannot imagine how excited I got. These kids who cannot speak or understand my English can actually sing English songs, and they enjoy them. I'm thinking hard for ways to use this to teach them kids. I might teach them to rap. Peace y'all. 

But something sad happened today. (The previous part was actually drafted since Monday). Under the initiative of the principal to give our students a future, alot of them applied for a vocational college, doing deep sea welding or something. Today, results came out. Quite a handful of my naughty but potential pass students got accepted. Nooooooo. Nooooooooooooo. And if I'm not mistaken, one of them is my targeted A student, NOOOOOOOO. 

And I still got mad at them this morning, and gave them the silent treatment. I won't see them tomorrow T.T (4 out of 7 got the offer) hopefully they reject hahahaha. 

:adj. unlucky

In my gang of friends from the residential college, we have a friend who is very unlucky. All sorts of epic things happen to him like getting hit by some heavy bars before his basketball match, laptop dying on him before he submits his final draft for thesis, and so on and so forth. 

We call him Nyak, and whenever something unlucky happens to him, we'll just answer #lifeofnyak 

And then somehow, we coined the term nyak as an adjective. For example: I'm damn nyak today.

So today, I was supposed to be observed by someone from the education department of the area. I had started with my set induction and was so touched because a boy who was always sleeping volunteered to answer my question.

I was moving on to the next step, until.. The announcement bell was played, and a blaring wail followed. 

Fire drill. =.=

So I ran for life together with my students, leaving the pegawai to burn in the class. Hahaha. 

There goes my observation , and my meticulously planned lesson. Feeling very nyak now. 

Wanna curl up into a ball and cry

I lose motivation so easily.

Serious matters aside, I've been waking up at 5am just to exercise for a few times already, and it feels good. 

I kinda miss dancing already, and this morning, I was targeted to dance for our teachers' day + Hari Raya + Gawai celebration in school in July. 1). I thought on Teachers' day teachers were supposed to watch and enjoy (or not lol) 2). Yea, so convenient all in one, why not add in Hari Kemerdekaan hahaha I can even join choir #multipurposeteacher 

The other day I purposely made up for class photo taking session, so feeling vain I tried to selfie before school. 

"Shit la, I look like a ghost."

Then, my roommate stood beside me and said, "again."

Ok. Better. So, to avoid looking like ghost in photos, ask someone else to look like the ghost so that you look more human in comparison. Lol. Meet Mul, we are mul and mel. Haha

padan muka x buat kerja

am I the only one who laughs at lame jokes?

2 things about the above photo:

1. I looked at the word THERAPIST for quite a long time wondering why is there THE RAPIST.

2. I kinda see Mr Teoh and myself in that situation. stupid guy, hahaha

Anyway, yay, I'm done with the SPP interview. Screwed up on the policies part, BUT who cares about the policies? It's not like if I can tell you exactly what MBMMBI is about, then my students will suddenly wake up and decide they love studying and get A in their next exam. What's over is over. What's not over are... MY TERRIFYING WORKLOAD. allow me to use the f word please? okay thank you. FUCK. I've been procrastinating since the beginning of this two week holiday. 

TO-DO-LIST:

1. Minit Curai for a workshop I attended on 09/05/2016 (wow exactly a month ago shit)

2. Lesson Plans

3. Short Test

4. Modify and print out my SKT and Borang Keberhasilan

5. Intervention Plan 

1. I'm actually halfway through the minit curai, but.. argh, I'll get it done by today!

2. NOOOO please nooo T.T, my initial plan was to finish it even before the holiday started LOL

3. Oh well. I have no reference books. (I hope I finish by tomorrow okay?)

4. BY TODAY MELODY KHO.

5. Ugh.. 4 classes. ugh.

*Sigh endlessly*

I better get back to work. 

*Stares at screen and sigh again*

Okay bye. At least get the minute done before I go for the family gathering tonight!

Starting all over again

I'm back again, should really blog more often. Being tired is just an excuse for undisciplined people, which is what I've been ever since my life and my routine got messed up by the arrival of the new principal.

So this is me, pledging to start all over again, and this post is for me to keep myself accountable.

1. Exercising

I barely do anything anymore. All I do is lie down because like I say, I got tired. Once in a while I plank for 3 minutes and I call it a day. NO that's not how it should be. I have a yoga mat, a hula hoop, and a whole big folder of working out without gym videos. Time to get back in shape. I haven't been this fat for a long time, I get disgusted by my own extra fats, so ini kalilahh!!!

2. Blogging

Nuff said. Haha. I truly think that blogging is a very good habit, it keeps my mind moving, and I like to look back once in a while to see how my mentality has changed or how a problem is no longer a problem to me. And also, I don't want this blog to die! Being consistent is one of the traits of successful people, right?

3. Money money money

I used to keep track on my spending when I just started uni and when I just started working. Then I eventually got lazy and stopped altogether. Time to be an adult, and I think while being financially independent is one of them, being able to manage my own finance is equally essential.

4. Appearance

One last one. I respect those who follow their facial regime strictly. I tend to slack and leave my face unattended. Maybe that's why I am still ugly. Haha. And also those who have to energy to makeup and remove the makeup properly each day. Maybe I should start doing these and see the changes they bring.  

Anyway, the past few days was lovely.

We even played scrabble. Hahaha

Okay I better get back to studying. I have an interview tomorrow morning. Till then, bye! Have yourself a good day :)

The creative genius

I Just thought I should give some credit to myself. As usual, there was work to do again, very last minute, just before we are finally released for a well-deserved two week break. 

Emotions were heightened, that time of the month. I got so grumpy and wanted to just throw everything away. And sleep. But of course I didn't, being the responsible adult I now am *cue hahaha* I pulled myself together and got to work.

As soon as I got started, I started to see things with clarity. And suddenly my mind was cleared and I could function again.

So here I am to give myself a pat on the back. Well done, goodnight, I need sleep.

Nah, just wanted to upload a photo. Hahah. Even the title refused to be changed. Anyway, Thank you buzzfeed, I feel so awesome.

Friyay!

Hihi! Had a refreshing nap, and it feels so good. The past few weeks really seem to drag by. Monday to Wednesday always seem extraordinarily long, and suddenly it is Thursday, and then comes Friday! I used to be able to get naps in the afternoon, but even if I didn't, I didn't feel that tired. But not now. I usually feel drowsy around 9pm, I take so called naps and wake up around 10, feeling unrested, but I just have to wake up, because I have things to do. 

I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WAIT FOR HOLIDAYS TO COME!! I NEED TO BREATHE. 

And.. Mr Teoh is coming to Kuching!!

We haven't met since last year, dunno how we made it, but I could really use a great dose of warm hugs and stupid (even annoying) tcc antics now. 

Counting down 13 days. :)

So tired, so sleepy

Saw a friend posting this on Facebook. 

1. Where is your punctuation?

2. Keeps not keep

And 3 which I've only then learned in uni that it was the persona himself who said it was the road less travelled by, we can never be too sure. 

No one cares anyway. Guess it's just the marking papers syndrome striking. 

Fell asleep while typing this out. Had something on my mind, forgot all about it. 

Better get back to sleep first. 

Warning: long post ahead

The past week felt too damn long 

And it started on a Tuesday 

Somehow the four-day week felt like a four-week month to me instead 

Kickstarted with a shuffle in the timetable

They say be careful with what you wish for, I said I wanted Form 4 classes, said I was sick of lower forms, so now happily I'm granted that wish. No longer teaching PSV and PJK, I'm going full English, with 3 Form 4 classes and a remaining Form 2 class, 23 periods one week. Not sure if I should feel happy or not. For 4D, I have to go bilingual, BM and Chinese. The Chinese students do not understand BM, gosh. While 4E is real good, they understand English, they are quiet, they do work HALLELUJAH!!! They're 4E just because principal decided the school should only have one science class, so from 4S2 they became 4E. I was very pleasantly shocked upon entering the class because all classes I had been given before this were like the worst classes in school. 

Somehow, I also got assigned as the teacher for the choral speaking competition. And somehow, we screwed up, got violently and brutally scolded yesterday. Not directed to me though, my partner couldn't stop crying. The PKKK called her lousy. Is that not degrading? Someone who is supposed to provide guidance gets mad because he wasn't informed of the competition, (which again was not totally our fault, the senior teachers dumped us the invitation letter and we were all on our own from then on) and storms away like a kid, or an angry girlfriend. Whatever, it is over, we pulled out. 

Also went to visit a student with heart problem, but we were too late, he was transferred to Kuching that morning. I wonder if he is okay.

Was forgotten by my partner. We came to the quarters together to get speakers, and when I got into the toilet she drove off, leaving me to walk back to school on my own. Of course it wasn't a too big deal since I just stay opposite, but at that moment it was pretty frustrating and ridiculous.

Every day I see/ hear drama. I also see people desperately trying to apple polish some others. And I see my stack of books to mark getting higher, my table getting messier and fuller. Oh what a long post this is. Are you already bored?

I am so so torn. I'm lazy. Please never ever say that a teacher's job is so easy. If only all we have to do is teach. So torn because I know I have to go the extra miles for these kids, but at the same time I feel the workload pressing hard on my back. I want a break. But I have only just started.

記得我說過希望成為學生會期待我進班的老師 對於一開始跟著我的班 我覺得我貌似做到了 現在我想讓他們想我進班是因為喜歡英文課 我好希望這次考試不再有白卷 不再有人少過十分 我說過的有被記得 一點點也好 

Officially not fierce

The principal is working very hard to end the culture of sleeping in class, teachers are free to call the principal to come rotan the sleeping kids.

This morning, a boy, R, just refused to wake up. His friend, M said: Teacher, R said he likes you, but he is shy to tell you. If he doesn't see you he can't sleep. That's why now he's now sleeping.

Me: ... *holds laughter* *poker face* HAHAHAHAHA. That was smooth lol lol. 

During the same period, they were playing with sellotape, taping their friends. 

Me: I'm going to ask the principal to come! *takes out phone*

Students: whoooo Cikgu iPhone 6 ke 6s?

Me: ... ... *tahan* *sabar* *poker face* *fail* *sighs* iPhone 6

Of course the above dialogues are all in BM. I've grown so accustomed to speaking BM, until even the students say selamat pagi to me. Exam's coming soon I need a break ahhhahhhhhahhhh

Midweek

Hi! I'm back again.

A new principal is here, and all I can say about the current situation is: *huru-hara*

He was a Pengetua Cemerlang, he has big hopes for the school and the students. I can't agree more when he said that these kids need education. 

A retiring teacher told us he reminds her of the ex-principal in Kuching High. True that, I can foresee heavy workload and stress, but a part of me is ready for it. Maybe this way I'll feel less useless, I'll grab this chance to grow and mature.

_On classroom control_

I think *fingers crossed* that I have improved a little. I introduced games again, lower level ones though, focusing mainly on vocabulary. The kids seem to be enjoying these and are getting more involved. I no longer fake to be fierce or act too bitchy, cz they know it was just an act. Good for me too, if it continues, I'm afraid I'll have to check my blood pressure on a daily basis. Lol

_Interview_

Still no news yet. Just have to continue being positive.

_VIRUS_

Got very frustrated over the weekend. Don't you just hate viruses, like please don't ruin my life, I haven't been backing up my laptop since forever!

_books_

Hee, currently reading David Baldacci. Yet another unputdownable author, (stupid lesson planning being the exception)

Yay it's already midweek, I feel quite drained mentally. Gonna escape to the book for comfort. 

Cheers! 

P.s: nearest McD is 45 minutes away ohmy 

April already

I'm home again, can you believe it? 

No I'm not so manja that I have to go home every week, although it is another long weekend YAYY didn't I tell you I hate Mondays.

Here comes the story.

On one fine afternoon (last Thursday), the roommate and I were santai-ing in our bigass living room. Suddenly she got a text from her friend asking her to check her SPP status.

Like this.

Apparently they have been called for interview, which, upon succeeding and posting, would turn us into real teachers, as in guru tetap, with a higher pay and all the benefits that I should be enjoying right now.

And it seemed the entire batch of the roommate was called for interview. Nervous and half-trembling, I also went to check my status. But surprise, surprise! What I got was the above screenshot. I was in fact a little taken aback, but housemates thought they might be going by uni, and it did seem rather logical that UPSI graduates would be the priority. 

Then, in the evening, I suddenly heard from Aivee and MC that they had also received the message to go for interview, not only them, another coursemate too. That's when I got really worried, as I assumed the whole batch also got called, so why was I forgotten? And then I started getting so down, I felt like I was left hanging, I didn't know what to do.

Next morning after class I called SPP. I needed an answer. After numerous transfer of lines, I finally got an e-mail address. Lol. And still believing that I might be so unluckily left out, I started busying myself with my fellow housemates, getting lesson plans done, completing the file and et cetera. I was not in any mood to teach or talk. 

Then, I talked to mum. We both thought it was better if I went home because IF SPP realized their mistake (missing mu name) and decided to slot me in the Tuesday interview, at least I would already be in Kuching, less hassle. 

So that's how I finally hopped onto the bus back home, with the most modest set of baju kurung in my bag. 

At this point, I was still positive that I'd be going for the interview on Tuesday hahaha. But when I almost reached Kuching, another coursemate whatsapped me. Apparently she and a few more are also being left out. That was when I knew I'm going home for nothing. But it's home we're talking about! So not complaning hehehe.

Yea, so that's how I ended up being home. 

Fyi, still no reply from the guy. Heh.

A love letter to the moon

每個人一生都會遇到很多不一樣的人 而遇見了的每一個人 對不同的人又有不同的意義

其實認識妳也沒有多久 不過四年多了說不久也挺久了 真正熟起來更加沒有多久 我也忘了幾時 不過有時也感覺好像很久了

我們不太一樣 可是又有點一樣 

昨天早上在辦公室看了妳的部落格很不爭氣的哭了 哭得別人以為我生病了 

那天我跟妳說過我也想念他吧 

有時想妳的時候 偶爾也會想起他 偶爾也會想念他 

因為有他在的世界 你是快樂的 其實認識妳 知道妳的人怎麼可能不知道妳的痛 那段最痛苦的時間雖然已經過去 可是痛始終還是痛 失去了深愛的人 在那麼美好的年華 其實也都知道說什麼都是無謂的安慰 

妳很厲害 妳很好勝 妳不喜歡沒有方向的感覺

可是妳真的可以軟弱 不要害怕 不要討厭妳的這一面 因為妳也是人啊 是經歷過那麼痛的痛的人 

現在隔了一片海 不能像以前那樣陪妳 可是妳也不再需要依賴那種陪伴 遠遠的關心 妳知道常常我都會在電話另一端 真心希望有天妳可以好好的接受自己 喜歡上現在的自己 妳是跟以前不一樣了 可是不一樣不是壞事 一輩子都一樣 這也不符合不認輸不願平凡的妳 

要喜歡上自己才有接受別人 喜歡別人的能力 然後我是真的很想抱抱妳

先祝妳台灣之旅愉快 去看看世界吧 也祝他生日快樂 梁惠雯加油 <3

This Monday not too blue

Staff meeting was cancelled last Thursday so happy me went home after class for the Easter break. Time at home i.e. happy time always seems to fly by. I'm back here again in my personal hell after a 6 hour journey yesterday. 

Okay.

1. It's not that hellish anymore. Just gotta suck it up and live with it. I constantly remind myself how lucky I am to have a) a job, with the (partial) perks of a civil servant b) companions who feel equally reluctant about going to school each and every morning c) and those who also have not yet started doing their lesson plans hahaha.

2. Plus, not so happy days do also fly by. It's been more than a month. Within this month, I've gone home thrice, upgraded my data plan to 7GB, witnessed the going of the washing machine back to its owner, except I didn't actually witness it, they brought it away when I was home. Need to buy hand cream now, with writing on blackboard and handwashing added to my list of almost daily chores. 

Brought an avocado from home, woke up at 6, then 7, did my laundry, then made breakfast. BUT the avocado was too raw and it tasted bitter, so bitter that I wonder if it was set out with the mission to ruin my day. Stupid avocado. At least it was quite photogenic. Okay, forgiven.

Have a great day ahead while I wallow in my own sadness lol not really. I'm gonna finish watching The Originals and maybe grab a book, OR start doing lesson plans. 

 

And yeah, you'll probably see another photo similar to this appearing in my Instagram soon enough. Can't afford to look through each and every photo like I usually did but at least I can afford the luxury of uploading photos okay melody just stop you're getting long-winded 

Red pens: my holiday routine

If you're ready for the rants of a bored and boring English teacher currently having a holiday-is-gonna-end crisis. 

So most of the time I've been home marking papers, and constantly on my phone, using all the wifi I get to use. 

I have three classes worth of English papers to mark, and this morning I finally completed the Form 2 classes.

Have a look at their standard. It is that bad, so bad that I cannot even give any marks. Most of their marks fall in the range of below 20. 

I was so rudely waken up by reality. For all the lesson plannings and simulated teachings that I had gone through in uni, proficiency level was always intermediate. I never had any idea on how bad the weak could go. 

And as I moved on to the Form 4 class, I was half expecting something better. But no, out of the 23 students, 6 of them sent in blank papers. As for the rest, I'm still in the marking process, but many of them only copied the question, and that's it. 

I must admit I am facing a culture shock. Never in my life have I ever experienced this. Even the weaker classmates/students I have ever had made effort. But these students, they don't seem to care. Am I and are my generation and peers too results-oriented? I don't think that's the case. It's the attitude towards education. I can't believe I'm saying this. 

The teacher who passed me the papers told me it's gonna be easy go mark them, because most of them don't do it. True, it is so much easier and faster, but it is at the same time so saddening. 

I had wanted to choose option 1, I find it really easy to block out any good thoughts about the school and its students. I know this is bad, I'm still hating how this turned out to be my life for the moment, so much that I channel all my hatred and anger towards the innocent students. I know very well that it is very wrong and selfish of me. But option 2, am I ready for this challenge? Just thinking of it makes me exhausted.

On a sidenote, that moment when your students who supposedly do not care about exams and results have better handwriting than you do. Hahaha. Call me sifu cakar ayam.

Prank of the year

As I am typing this post, yours sincerely is sitting in a car, heading back to Kuching.

*UPDATE: now typing from home*

So yesterday morning, I reluctantly woke up, reluctantly prepared myself, reluctantly made myself my oat breakfast, reluctantly put on my baju kurung, and even more reluctantly went to the school. Punched in and we sat outside the office, waiting for someone to assign us some idiotic task, but it was decided we go back to the quarters at 8:30am if there was nothing to do.

As we walked into the office, one of the staff called us over and said: 

"Hari tu tak bagitau ke? You orang boleh cuti sudah. Jumaat nak bagitau tapi tak jumpa kamu," 

I know I should had been overwhelmed by happiness, but my first reaction was what the hell. Really? What's the purpose of a telephone? I couldn't help but feel mad at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. Did they think that we stay just next door? Is this their sick sense of humour? I was lucky enough to have my parents send me in as dad's working car is being sent to repair, another interim stays in Sarikei, near enough, but my roommate is from Miri. She took a bus from Miri the day before, mind you, it's about 10 hours, and RM60 per trip. Dahlah masih tak bagi gaji. *roll eyes till Pluto* 

Now where's the camera? 

Then, we went back to the quarters, packed and left for Kuching again. 

We kept telling ourselves there must be some silver lining behind this, so

1. The owner of the unit left her iron on, since Friday. Thank God I brought my roommate's bed over because parents were putting down in our room (I share a big master room with my roommate, the unit owner has moved out, so her room is empty). I cannot imagine if the iron was left on for the whole week. (SO SILVER RIGHT THIS LINING?)
2. I bought 2 bars of chocolate which were on sale, planning to bring them there, where I need as much artificial happiness as I can (not really exaggerating lol). BUT! Mummy left them in the fridge, so when I was unpacking, you can imagine how disappointed I was. Now that I get to go home again, I can bring the chocolates again! WHEEEE (ALSO QUITE SILVER!!)
3. Road trip with parents YAYYY. Also, food hunt in Sarikei, Sibu and Sri Aman.

Tomyam Big Prawn Noodles @ Glory Cafe, Sarikei, RM27

there were about 5 big prawns inside, all very fresh, and the tomyam soup was yummy!

Coconut Pudding @ Glory Cafe, RM7.50

A little pricey in my opinion, but it was so so good! I think I can finish one on my own.

Famous Satay Mee @ Sri Aman, RM I FORGOT haha

Daddy had this about 20-30 years ago when he went to work in Sri Aman, and couldn't forget the taste up until today. Some time ago, people started posting about it again on Facebook, and daddy had been wanting to try. Unfortunately, the original owner of the business is off on Mondays, so this was a bad replica of the original satay mee, which daddy had been missing all these years, lol. I am pretty sure we (or at least daddy and mummy) would be back again for it now that they have found the place. 

I have papers of 3 classes to mark. I am too lazy to start. Err. Happy holiday wheeee!

now in Kuching!

1. Melody

2. ChinaHouse

hope you managed to catch what I was trying to do up there. so yay! By now I've spent more than 24 hours at home. Today was a whirlwind of shopping (for food, and food, and things for me to cook more food), and eating, and spending time with my yaoyao. I am tired, so tired that I feel weak, and don't you know what they say? Sleep is for the weak.

BUT! Just let me blog from my laptop for once, after such a long time. Even the laptop is feeling refreshed, being connected to WiFi once again. As I mentioned before I actually have a lot to talk about the students, but I am so fed up with everything related to that school, and the thoughts that I have penned down during those moments of frustration are being left lying in my diary back in my bigass wardrobe in Meradong which has less than 10 sets of clothes. Therefore, here comes some crap. CHINAHOUSE IS NOW IN KUCHING AS WELL! Wheeee

those in the background are boxes used to store Chinese herbs, I wonder how long it took them to start up and collect all these vintage trinkets.

Identify the characteristics of a typical Instagram coffee-hop photo:

1. Daniel Wellington watch.

2. iPhone, preferably iPhone 5s and above.

3. Fancy cakes, and probably coffee with latte art.

Basically the whole photo is shouting attention seeking instagrammer. So I didn't upload this one lol. 

so we ordered the Tiramisu with alcohol, and another chocolate based cake, named Chocoholic.

"I hate the school" the Tiramisu is not as yummy as the one in Penang. Maybe because the first cut is always the deepest.

here I was, ChinaHouse, and Kuching.

I would definitely go again, there are SOOOO many cakes.

My Mondays are officially blue

Week three, work starts coming in. 

Finally got our timetable. Was supposed to teach PSK (sivik) which I had never taken, but got changed to become a PSV teacher instead. This change, I highly suspect, is due to my doodling in the staff room out of boredom, not complaining though. It might be fun right hahaha.

*please refer to the timetable above *

See the PLC every Monday? It is something like a panel meeting with all the English teachers. Sometimes, someone from the education department will come as well. They do many things like working out lesson plans together, observe lessons and some more that I'm yet to find out. And guess what, there will be surprise observations from the education department from time to time, and teachers are rated! So it's practical once again. #damn 

I have a lot more to say, but this was drafted yesterday, before my mood was violently ruined after being told we do not get holidays. At least not this midsem break. I was looking forward to it so much, it was almost the mere positivity and hope I was holiding on to. And now they say we have to come here every day, just to punch card. "Lepas tu you boleh lah pergi minum minum" NO. I DON'T WANT PERGI MINUM WHATEVER I JUST WANT A BREAK AWAY FROM THIS SHITHOLE.

IF I DON'T GET MY MID YEAR BREAK IN JUNE, THAT'S IT. I QUIT. 

I'm only compromising because of long holidays anyway. 

White face red lips

I'm I'm bored. So bored that I sempat go toilet take selfie. My only sit-in today is at 1040, at this rate, my phone might run out of battery by time I go to class. There's really nothing much to do, yet. 

Yea this is the toilet selfie whatever lol. Guess I'll just have to appreciate now that I can still be so free. I've gotten to know what I'll be teaching, English, Sivik and PJK (really?). 20 periods a week, guess it's acceptable. I kinda miss CHS, the students, the teachers, the whole environment. I guess I need quite some time to adapt to a less Chinese environment.

Anyway the above is just a very boring rant of mine. The purpose of this post is just for me to past time, and talk a lttle about Memoirs of a Geisha that I finally finished reading.

I actually brought this and Brida for some female self-empowerment or something lol. (Because I cannot let myself become contented with just this! I'm extremely afraid I'll become a boring person) But as I read the book, I realized how far it deviates from my initial assumption. Totally opened my eyes to another new culture and new world: the life and thoughts of a geisha. True that Sayuri lived almost her whole life waiting for a man, whom she would never have gotten if not for her persistence and the tough decision that lead to losing her very much good friend. But the suffering geishas had to undergo, not sure how much has it changed since then. Why didn't I buy this book any earlier? 

I miss my orange hair

Whee! My TGIF after a long while. Actually not that whee, I'm quite bored. Came in at quite a strategic (or not) time, it's currently their sports week, lucky me was arranged to help with statistics instead of being under the hot sun. Next week and the week after next are the exam weeks, so naturally there won't be any teaching for us interims, and then here comes the midterm holiday!! 

I'm already counting down :D

The thing is that it is really boring here, the nearest town Bintangor is roughly 20minutes away by car, Sarikei and Sibu both around 40-45minutes! What's even more important is that we don't have a car. There's a very small TV with grainy resolution, and there's no wifi. I'm clinging on my remaining 1.4GB data for dear life until the renewal date lol. 

See I actually brought books here but I dare not start yet, maybe tomorrow. One for this week, one for next week, and then Kuching here I come again wheeee!

代課之餘寫了些字

這地方很大，卻很偏遠。走出住宿門外，看到的是頭頂那輪元宵節的明月，很亮很圓。偶爾還可以看到絢爛的煙火在不遠處的天空綻放。這裡天空很大，晚上沒什麼光害，看星星應該很不錯。天色還亮時，正對面就可以看到學校，建在草坡上，五顏六色的，草坡很大，青青的好美，應該滿instagrammable哈哈哈，當然我做了老師還是會一樣，其實沒什麼改變。學生們多是依班人，說的是馬來話，依班話，還有砂拉越當地語言，我不會，我真的覺得我慘了，我可以旁聽嗎？他們有依班語課耶。這種環境會造就怎麼樣的年輕人呢？我代了些課，有中五的學生對大學似乎很有憧憬，也有讀完中六的就在學校工作，回到自己的母校，安於行政辦公室裡的那個屬於她自己的角落，她說：不想讀太高，怕被派去教育部工作，得離開學校。她的英文不好，打華語很多錯別字，生活就是學校的那張桌子，空蕩蕩的住處，屏幕裡的電視劇還有每個週末都回的家。可是，可以常常回家真的好幸福。安於現狀是知足還是沒勇氣改變，我知道我是懶得面對改變。

剛剛又有了想法，真做老師了，我想當一個學生們會期待我進班的老師。

"Cz baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst"